You walk into the children’s clothing store, excited to pick out a few outfits for the new school year and the upcoming holidays. But before long, the excitement dips. You look around and notice how polished everyone else seems– sleek sheitels that fall perfectly into place, manicures that look freshly done, glowing skin, long lashes that somehow look effortless. Suddenly, you’re all too aware of your oversized workout shirt, the black skirt that’s seen better days, and the sneakers that don’t bear a fancy label.
And then, just like that, the sinking feeling.The woman across from you isn’t just another shopper anymore; in your mind she’s become a symbol. She represents “togetherness,” “perfection,” “what you’re supposed to be.” Meanwhile, your brain starts its familiar play-by-play of inadequacy, and no amount of reasoning with yourself can quiet the noise.
Maybe you try to shrug it off. It’s fine. I don’t need all that. I know what really matters. But then,maybe, you catch yourself wondering: do you? Wouldn’t it feel good to walk in somewhere and not feel like the underdog? To stop measuring yourself as “less than”? The next thing you know, you’re booking a full gamut of “self-care” appointments– nails, new wig, shopping trips, maybe even lash extensions– because this time, you’re going to level up, even if it’s going to cost you.
If you’ve had a moment like this, let me reassure you of two things: #1-You are extremely normal. We are wired to want to fit in. That ache of comparison? It’s deeply human. #2-You’re more in control than you think.
Here’s why: Most of us are walking around town tweaking, masking, and editing our looks because we’re secure and happen to “prefer the style.” More often than not, we’re patching over a bigger void. The parts of ourselves we alter on the outside, are stand-ins for the intangible parts we’re terrified the world will see on the inside. The messy parts. The scared parts. The parts that feel small, or not enough, or broken in some way.
So we mask our humanness at all costs. We put on armor disguised as a “look.” And for a little while, yes, it works. That trendy wig style, that new pair of shoes, that little nip or tuck of our appearance makes us feel invincible. We stand a little taller, we smile a little more confidently, and for a moment we believe we’ve closed the gap between us and everyone else.
The catch is, underneath that armor the same feelings are still there. We may look shinier, but the insecurity hasn’t gone anywhere– it’s just dressed up differently. And that’s the real truth: insecurity and inadequacy are baseline parts of being human. Everyone feels them, even the woman with the perfect lashes. But it doesn’t have to rule our lives.
The hamster wheel of perfection will never stop turning on its own. We have to choose to step off. And stepping off doesn’t mean neglecting yourself or deciding appearances don’t matter at all. It means putting yourself together in a way that reflects care, not desperation. It means getting dressed because you value yourself, not because you can’t stand yourself unless you look a certain way.
Stick with me on this: Life moves so quickly. We’re barely finished growing up before we’re thrown into the thick of adulthood– marriage, kids, careers, homeownership, community responsibilities. Most of us never get a real chance to sit down and ask: Who am I, really? What are the stories I tell myself about being enough? Where did those stories even come from?
Instead, the inner void remains strangers to us. We don’t know how to handle the wounds, the insecurities, the messy “non-parts” of ourselves, so we run from them. We bury them. And when they inevitably creep out, we panic, and rush to cover them again, with makeup, with clothing, with appointments, with “all the things.”
But here’s the hope: you can get to know your inner self. You can learn to sit with your humanness instead of running from it. And you can discover that while being put-together feels nice, your worth isn’t hanging in the balance of your next purchase or appointment.
The next time you feel that clothing store spiral, the comparisons, the pressure, the urge to upgrade yourself, take a breath. Notice what’s happening inside rather than rushing to cover it up. The real work isn’t about keeping up; it’s about catching up to yourself. The put-together image might look superior, but it’s your honest, imperfect, growing self that actually has depth and potential for true stability.
That’s the part worth investing in.
Bassy Schwartz, LMFT is the founder of Core Relationships, a boutique therapy practice in the Five Towns offering individual, couples, and family therapy. Her work centers on helping clients build safer, more authentic connections by healing the patterns that block intimacy and trust. Bassy is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and integrates trauma-informed care and relational insight in her approach. She believes therapy is not about “fixing” people — it’s about creating the safety to be fully human
