As summer winds down, many of us welcome the return of routine— alarm clocks, carpools, and bedtimes that actually stick. The structure can feel like a relief after the unstructured days of summer. But routine means more than just order for our kids— it also means more responsibility and pressure for us as parents. The mornings get faster, afternoons louder, evenings busier. And in this pressure cooker, many of us find ourselves feeling triggered, dysregulated, and maybe even resentful toward the people we hold closest to us.
Why is it so hard to stay calm and present? For many of us, the answer lies not in the moment, but in our own histories. More and more, we’re talking about parenting after having a traumatic childhood or being a child of emotional neglect. This isn’t about being broken— it’s about recognizing that if we grew up without emotional safety, steady caregiving, or enough resources to feel secure, parenting can touch raw, unhealed parts of us.
If we didn’t get our feelings soothed as children, being the soothing, steady presence for our own kids is much harder. Our children’s meltdowns often land on us as emotional ambushes. Their need for comfort pulls on our own unmet needs. Their growing independence stirs up hidden fears of rejection or abandonment that we might not have even realized we were carrying.
I wish it wasn’t the case, but the truth is, if this topic is resonating with you, unfortunately, you are not unique. Many parents grew up without the stability needed to navigate adulthood — and parenting — with ease. This is not a disease or disorder…It’s a reality. Fortunately, we now have the tools and resources to face it head-on. Healing while parenting is hard. But instead of trying to fix everything at once, here are two simple, powerful practices that can shift our experience over time.
1. Meet your own needs, not just your kids’
If we grew up feeling that our needs didn’t matter, or that taking care of ourselves was selfish, this can feel unfamiliar and even uncomfortable. But humans don’t generally function well from depletion and no surprise— parents don’t either. Ignoring our own physical, emotional, or spiritual needs leads us to parent from survival mode: short-tempered, reactive, disconnected.
Meeting our needs doesn’t mean extravagant vacations or hours of free time we don’t have. It might be a quiet cup of coffee before the house wakes up, a short walk after dinner, a therapy session we schedule instead of delaying, or calling a friend who “gets it” instead of scrolling alone on our phones.
Meeting our needs builds a reservoir of calm and capacity. It doesn’t mean we won’t get tired or frustrated— but we’ll have more bandwidth to respond instead of react. Our children don’t need us to be perfect; they need us to be present and resourced.
2. Let repair be your superpower
Every parent loses it sometimes. Everyone says things they regret, snaps when they wish they’d stayed calm, or misses moments to connect. The difference between relationships that break and those that grow is repair. Repair means circling back — sometimes minutes or hours later — and saying:“I’m sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed and raised my voice. That wasn’t okay. I love you and I’m here.”
When we repair, we teach our children some of the most important relational skills they’ll ever learn: how to acknowledge hurt, how to take responsibility, and how to feel valued. We also give our children what many of us never got— the experience of being worthy of a parent’s return.
Repair doesn’t erase mistakes, but it builds trust. It says: Even when I mess up, I’ll find my way back to you. That’s one of the most secure foundations we can offer.
Parenting while healing asks us to meet our children in moments that may feel eerily similar to moments that broke us— but to show up differently this time. Every time we meet our own needs, every time we repair instead of withdrawing or reacting intensely in shame, we change not just our relationship with our children, but the story our family will carry forward.
If this resonates, I highly recommend the work of Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, whose insights into post-traumatic parenting are compassionate and practical. And for those ready to go deeper, check out the therapy groups we’re offering at Core Relationships this fall. These groups are producing unparalleled results by helping parents break stuck relational patterns and build emotional safety for their families.
We can’t change the past we came from— but we can absolutely shape the future our children will inherit.
Bassy Schwartz, LMFT is the founder of Core Relationships, a boutique therapy practice in the Five Towns offering individual, couples, and family therapy. Her work centers on helping clients build safer, more authentic connections by healing the patterns that block intimacy and trust. Bassy is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and integrates trauma-informed care and relational insight in her approach. She believes therapy is not about “fixing” people — it’s about creating the safety to be fully human
